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...and nobody wished good ole Abe Lincoln a fuckin' Happy Birthday yesterday!!!
Needless to say, I'm a little pissed, but you all still have a second chance on Presidents' Day. I better hear something by then, or there will be back-from-the-dead Presidential Hell to pay (or is that Hell Toupee?) 
Oh well, me and Abe Jr. celebrated my Birthday a little earlier this year with a trip to the Super Bowl. I think Junior would say the trip was well worth it (I wholeheartedly concur, as this was, potentially, the best lay I've had in a century!!)
Abe "Where's My Fuckin' Cake" LincolnCurrent Mood:  angry Current Music: Happy Fucking Birthday | The Bitter Presidents |
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Okay. I've always considered myself a "good person", willing to go out of my way to lend a hand or some sound advice to someone in need.
The opportunity that just fell into my Inbox, however, sheds a whole new light on "lending a hand". This Serena Jones has obviously based her decision on my pre-Death personality, because using stupidly large sums of money in an "ungodly manner" is what I dream about on a minute-by-minute basis. By the way, are hookers "ungodly", still?
Anyways, I guess I won't be posting here much anymore, what with my new found source of wealth and all I'll be mostly busy getting crazy stoned and running naked through the streets of Venice (when you're as rich as I'm gonna be, you can run through the streets of Venice)!!! For those of you in dire need of some extra cash, leave a stunningly erotic photo of yourself and I might be in the "donating" mood!
So long suckers!!!
Abe "Leftovers are for poor people" Lincoln
P.S. The lawyers name, Ben Doe, seems a little suspicious... wait a minute! He must be Ben Doe of the Texarkana Doe's!! Thank God! He's legit!
P.P.S. Where is Amsterderm, anyway?
From: Mrs Serena Jones
PLEASE ENDEAVOUR TO USED IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF GOD.
I am the above named person from Kuwait. I am married to Dr.
Harry Jones who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years
before he died in the year 2000.
We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a
brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christians.
Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my
matrimonial home which the Bible is against.When my late husband was alive he
deposited the sum of $8.6Million (Eight Million six hundred thousand U.S.
Dollars) with one finance/security company in Amsterderm Holland.
Presently, this money is still with the Security Company. Recently, my
Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three
months due to cancer problem. Though what disturbs me most is my
stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to
church or better still a christian individual that will utilize this
money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church that will
use this fund to fund churches, orphanages and widows propagating the
word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained. The Bible
made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth.
I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit
this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want
my husband's hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers. I don't
want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner.
Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death
hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom
of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case and
I shall hold my peace. I don't need any telephone communication in this
regard because of my health because of the presence of my husband's
relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this
development. With God all things are possible.
As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Finance/Security Company in
Amsterderm Holland. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will
prove you as the original- beneficiary of this fund. I want you and the
church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard. My
happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that
wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always
be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your reply will give
me room in sourcing for a chuch or christian individual for this same
purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated
herein. Hoping to hearing from you.
N.B-PLEASE I WILL ADVICE YOU TO GIVE THE LAWYER IN CHARGE A CALL IN
HOLLAND IMMEDIATELY, HE DOES EVERYTHING ON MY BEHALF AND HE'S VERY
UNDERSTANDING AND I BELIEVE HE WILL LEAD YOU TO YOUR SUCCESS IN JESUS NAME,
THE LAWYER'S NUMBER IS.+31-645-812-276
NAME-BARRISTER BEN DOE
Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs Serena JonesCurrent Mood: RICH!!! Current Music: Money | Pink Floyd |
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I won't quit the day job, but I also won't go trolling for e-sympathy (if ya know what I mean!!!)
et voila!!
Abe "Schulz" Lincoln |
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So this whole LiveJournal thing is rockin'! Any minute now the place is gonna bust out all freaky like...
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Oh ya, I got my hair cut today.
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There goes my will to live...
Warning: for those bloggers out there who regularly post their urges to end their lives, the preceding bit was all in jest. Like the British Humour of John Cleese, or Eric Idle, or Graham Chapman, or Douglas Adams, or the guy who played Cousin Larry (he wasn't British, but he was damn funny) this was rather dry humour meant to make the reader stop and think. Peruse the recesses of their brain. It is not, in any way a "cry for help", nor is it some sort of attention-getting tactic.
The fact that I was buck naked, except for a pair of latex stockings, while typing the post would have made it incredibly funnier, but the LiveJournal capability to capture that is non-existent. Thank you.Current Mood: dry Current Music: Cactus | The Pixies |
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...still makes me wanna jam reams of Weekly World News down my gullet, but what the Hell! If it gives me a chance to bring hurt, doubt and remorse to another's otherwise bleakly blissful life, I'm game!
Here's an analogy:
Blogs are like masturbation;
The DeadJournals are like jerking off with a velvet glove;
The Livejournals are also like jerking off with a velvet glove, but that glove is on the overly large hands of your bald, neo-nazi bunkmate in Sing Sing Penitentiary.
I now proclaim myself the peerless, Overlord of Analogies...or is that analgesics?!?!...either way, its something that starts off with anal
Abe "BatBoy" Lincoln
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